I really struggle with this word.
A close examination of my past mistakes and the subsequent hurts would affirm that extending and receiving trust is a challenge for me. Instead, I closely guard my heart, locking it tightly away, terrified to let the world see what I have to offer. It's safer this way. It's cautious. It's also completely paralyzing.
Yesterday, my uncle and cousins, who I might add are some of the most selfless, trusting people I ever met, took me horseback riding on the Californian coast. Go ahead. Let the pangs of jealousy subside. I am fully aware of how ethereal and perfect yesterday was, and it's not often I'm graced with days like that.
The poetic nature of my day was made complete with the crisp air enveloping me as I climbed aboard Tahoe, my mildly ornery partner for the afternoon. The halter (yes, I looked up this term), was bothering her, and it was obvious that she didn't enjoy me controlling her direction or speed.
And then it hit me.
I am Tahoe. Giving someone the reins to my life, trusting that their master plan is better than my own, is just too hard. I want to choose whether I turn right and run straight into the breakers, diving head first into the icy water, or turn left and head to the highest sand dune. I want to choose my speed, dictating when and where I'll end up.
But it's not up to me.
I do not hold the reins. It's not why I was created. I was created with the ultimate purpose to hand over the reins of my life and my heart to my Father, who loves me beyond measure. God, not limited by time or distance, sees the scope of my life. His knowledge and His promise to "prosper me, not harm me," has me going in directions and speeds that make me uncomfortable.
Like Tahoe, sometimes I need a swift kick in the side to get me going. Whether it's a sudden heart break, a a job change, or a sharp comment by a friend, these life events shift my perspective, changing my course all together. I think God uses these to not so gentle reminders to point out that my life IS NOT ABOUT ME.
Like Tahoe, sometimes God has to say "whoa," prompting me to slow down. Sometimes my exuberance exceeds me, causing me to be rash and compulsive. God often needs to remind me that a slow trot is what He desires for my life pace. His gentle reminder is, "You'll get there soon, Sweetie. Don't rush."
Like Tahoe, when I trust the one holding the reins, I get to see and experience life to the fullest measure. She and I took a little detour through the sand dunes, following a small path that previous riders had mapped out. And because I trusted that the windy path would eventually bring me back to the ocean's shore, I was granted with the most poetic scenery, spurring a restful reprieve from the chaos of my world. The hills, the sand, the protruding bushes, the picturesque cloud cover were enough to make me feel like I was living in a movie. To say it simply, it was a writer's dream.
When we finally circled back, the ocean waves growing more pronounced with every step, I was overwhelmed at God's creation and His plan for me to experience it.
I had trusted and was not disappointed.
Joshua 21:45 says, "Not one of the good promises which the LORD had made to the house of Israel failed; all came to pass."
So while, I will likely continue to struggle with trust issues, trusting the one who holds the reins to my life, and more importantly my heart, should not be so challenging.
No comments:
Post a Comment