They "see me." They see the good, the bad, and the ugly. They know my heart, my ambitious, good intentions. They see that I'm sensitive, and that I love people almost to a fault. They recognize that the reason I over-commit and spread myself too thin is because I care about the people in my life and want to make time for them all. And these wonderful people, who I know are shaking their heads in loving disagreement, know that my previous statement is a little misleading. The other reason I over-commit is because I have a paralyzing fear of failure, including failing at my relationships. Instead of being intentional about the relationships I'm cultivating, I earnestly try to develop deep, meaningful relationships with everyone. Yes, I recognize this is unrealistic, selfish even. But I'm a perfectionist, and as such, I want to believe I can do anything and everything I put my mind to, including being the best friend, daughter, teacher, and youth group leader I can. I'm not arrogant enough to think I am succeeding at it, but I certainly try.
The people God purposefully placed in my life "get me". And for reasons I'll never understand, they love me anyway.
God has used these people to hold me accountable for my decisions and to uplift me when I inevitably make the wrong ones. They remind me that nothing I say or do will separate me from God. They tell me that they love me even when I'm failing.
And with that, my mom recently told me I was "failing at loving people well." Ouch. Again, for a self-proclaimed perfectionist who HATES disappointing people, this was brutal to hear.
But it was true. I was failing the relationships God had blessed me with. I was so busy that I didn't have time or energy to pour into the relationships God had truly called me to invest in. And 5Hour energies and frequent stops at Starbucks were ceasing to have the same impact that they once did.
My strong-willed, opinionated mother nudged me to take a step back and be more intentional with my time.
So... it is with a broken heart and an even stronger conviction that I am taking a step back from something that has brought me the greatest joy and passion I have ever known.
This year with student ministries has shaped me more than any other life event. Because of Controlled Chaos and the people I have had the privilege to meet there, I know the limitless love of my God. I am learning to see people the way Jesus sees them, and I'm learning to trust God's plan over mine. He used this past year to call me back to Him, and for that, I am so grateful. How is it possible that my broken heart can also be swelling with such joy?
I said earlier that I need nudging. God is nudging me, nudging me to trust that He has it all figured out. I'm trusting that when He asked me to step down from youth group, a place that quickly became my home, my family, that He has something even better in store.
To my beautiful 6th grade girls (although, I guess technically you're in 7th now)- I love you. I love your hearts, your energy, your screaming. I love your smiles, your enthusiasm, your sense of adventure. I just love you.
But as much as I love you, God loves you even more. He has such a beautiful plan for each of your lives. Seek Him. Trust Him. Love Him. His plan for your life is far better than anything you could imagine for yourself.
