The New Proverbs 31 Woman...

So…yeah, I don’t love the Proverbs 31 woman.  Here’s my beef with her: 

I don’t measure up.

Not even close.  Not even a little bit. Not even at all (yes, that should be read like Julia Stiles from 10 Things I Hate About You). 

So naturally, instead of trying to better myself and make goals to be more like her, I did what any stubborn, insecure girl would do- I resented her.  

My sour attitude stems from numerous superficial readings of this chapter and from overused motivational phrases often heard at Christian women conferences and Bible studies.  And  because I had not made concerted effort to understand the history or context of this chapter, I had missed a key element in understanding her.  Instead, I had built the Proverbs 31 woman up to be a cruel to-do list, an unkind reminder that I am not as good as I think I am, and that I don’t in fact, have it all together. 

Round #1:

Her: “She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her serving girls” (Proverbs 31:15)

Me: I do wake before Katie, but not by choice.  My job demands it.  I have yet to make her breakfast, and I doubt that it’s in her near future.  I think I may have folded her laundry once, but my motive was entirely selfish.  I needed the dryer.  I was not going to be “that girl” who just dumps someone’s laundry on the floor.  I mean, I’m not heartless, just a little selfish.  

Winner:  Proverbs 31 woman

Round #2:

Her: "She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard." (31:16) In other words, she is a financial powerhouse. 

Me:  I don’t understand money.  Don’t ask me about my retirement plan or the interest rate on my house or even how much money I have in my bank account.  Your guess is as good as mine.

Winner: Proverbs 31 woman.

Round #3:

Her:  “Her arms are strong for her tasks” (31:17)

Me:  I can’t do a pull-up to save my life, and I struggle with downward dog during yoga.  I even cringe to think that I may have contracted what has plagued teachers for generations- the dreadful “teacher arms.”  You know exactly what I’m talking about, those pesky, flabby things that jiggle when teachers write on white boards.  Gag.

Winner:   Do I even need to say it? 

But here’s what dawned on me yesterday:  I was missing the boat.  The woman I had fabricated in my mind was not the Proverbs 31 woman.  I had dissected her so much that I made her into something fake, something plastic, something false. I had turned her into the unattainable, flawless woman on the cover of a magazine, rather than into what she was intended to be, a woman full of grace, love, and humility. 

But yesterday, I learned something that rocked my world:

The original Proverbs 31 was offered as a Jewish poem given by a husband to his a wife to offer her praises in the ordinary.  It was a love song, not a critique.  It was an attempt to praise women as the beautiful, incredible creatures that God created them to be, not to belittle them for their shortcomings.

Well, hey, that’s something I can get on-board with.

So I did. I began examining the amazing women God has put before me and was amazed to find a slew of Proverbs 31 women in my life. 

To me, the Proverbs 31 woman:

• is the woman who walks in the frigid cold on a murky street in Pasadena to accompany her tender hearted niece back to a trailer. She is also the woman who continues to stand outside in the cold as the aforementioned niece pours her heart out, seeking affirmation and wisdom.
• is the woman who signs up for a 5k at the young age of 63 to better her health and her life and to make her daughter incredibly proud.
• is the one who answers the phone when her neurotic friend calls in a helpless mess.  She offers grace and insight, sprinkled with a little humor and sarcasm to aid in her friend’s distress.
• is the one who sends the text, “I can’t promise to fix all your problems, but I can promise you won’t have to face them alone,” at a time when her friend has a big life decision to make.
• is the one who tells her mildly unhygienic and self-conscious cousin that she’s beautiful, even though the greasy hair and grungy sweatshirt would suggest otherwise.

These women aren’t curing cancer, or running multi-million dollar philanthropies, or contributing to Martha Stewart’s magazine.  They aren’t on the cover of Forbes or featured on a Dateline NBC special.  No, they are ordinary women who exude valor.  And they are all showing me that God’s grace and love makes them beautiful and lovely inside and out.

So, instead of turning the Proverbs 31 woman into another mirror to reflect our inadequacies, I chose to see her many facets in the captivating women that surround me.  And maybe, just maybe, I’ll even begin to see those facets in myself.

Winner:  ?

A Lesson from a Horse

I really struggle with this word.

A close examination of my past mistakes and the subsequent hurts would affirm that extending and receiving trust is a challenge for me.  Instead, I closely guard my heart, locking it tightly away, terrified to let the world see what I have to offer.  It's safer this way.  It's cautious.  It's also completely paralyzing.

Yesterday, my uncle and cousins, who I might add are some of the most selfless, trusting people I ever met, took me horseback riding on the Californian coast.  Go ahead.  Let the pangs of jealousy subside.  I am fully aware of how ethereal and perfect yesterday was, and it's not often I'm graced with days like that.

The poetic nature of my day was made complete with the crisp air enveloping me as I climbed aboard Tahoe, my mildly ornery partner for the afternoon.  The halter (yes, I looked up this term), was bothering her, and it was obvious that she didn't enjoy me controlling her direction or speed.

And then it hit me.

I am Tahoe.  Giving someone the reins to my life, trusting that their master plan is better than my own, is just too hard.  I want to choose whether I turn right and run straight into the breakers, diving head first into the icy water, or turn left and head to the highest sand dune.  I want to choose my speed, dictating when and where I'll end up.

But it's not up to me.

I do not hold the reins.  It's not why I was created.  I was created with the ultimate purpose to hand over the reins of my life and my heart to my Father, who loves me beyond measure.  God, not limited by time or distance, sees the scope of my life.  His knowledge and His promise to "prosper me, not harm me," has me going in directions and speeds that make me uncomfortable.

Like Tahoe, sometimes I need a swift kick in the side to get me going.  Whether it's a sudden heart break, a a job change, or a sharp comment by a friend, these life events shift my perspective, changing my course all together.  I think God uses these to not so gentle reminders to point out that my life IS NOT ABOUT ME.

Like Tahoe, sometimes God has to say "whoa," prompting me to slow down.  Sometimes my exuberance exceeds me, causing me to be rash and compulsive.  God often needs to remind me that a slow trot is what He desires for my life pace.  His gentle reminder is, "You'll get there soon, Sweetie. Don't rush."

Like Tahoe, when I trust the one holding the reins, I get to see and experience life to the fullest measure. She and I took a little detour through the sand dunes, following a small path that previous riders had mapped out.  And because I trusted that the windy path would eventually bring me back to the ocean's shore, I was granted with the most poetic scenery, spurring a restful reprieve from the chaos of my world.  The hills, the sand, the protruding bushes, the picturesque cloud cover were enough to make me feel like I was living in a movie.  To say it simply, it was a writer's dream.

When we finally circled back, the ocean waves growing more pronounced with every step, I was overwhelmed at God's creation and His plan for me to experience it.

I had trusted and was not disappointed.

Joshua 21:45 says, "Not one of the good promises which the LORD had made to the house of Israel failed; all came to pass."

So while, I will likely continue to struggle with trust issues, trusting the one who holds the reins to my life, and more importantly my heart, should not be so challenging.

New Definition of Working Late

It's 4 am on a Friday evening, and I am still at work.  

Some would call that crazy, but I call it perfect.  I am not droning over a stark white computer screen or answering phone calls from around the globe.  I am not working late on a report to meet an unreasonable deadline.  For any of that, being at work until 4 am would be crazy.

No, I am still at work staring out into the sea of brightly colored blankets that conceal 40 sleeping middle school girls.

Like I said, perfect. 

Most of the inspiration for my writing comes when my heart is heavy, when my emotions have become so overwhelming that I feel I'm on the verge of collapsing.  Fortunately, this is not one of those blog posts. 

No, tonight I am overwhelmed with gratefulness that I'm still at school at this ghastly hour.   In fact, there is no where in the world I would rather be than sitting here, loving the girls in front of me.

With the help of some of the greatest friends I could ask for, I was blessed to serve 44 middle school girls by offering them a night away from the chaos and the disappointment in their lives.  For one night, these girls could trade make-up, drama, and boys for laughter, whimsy, and musical chairs.  They traded their too-tight shirts and eye rolls for pajama bottoms and giggles.  We laughed over my awkward attempts at Zumba, the 6 inch tear in my pants, and my off-key singing to One Direction.  And these girls made gingerbread houses.  Can I just tell you, only a handful of them had ever made one before.  Only a handful. 

***

I am so incredibly humbled that God would call me to "bump" into these young women.  Really? Me? Why?  It's so hard for me to grasp and accept the thought that when He created me, He knew I would one day run into each of these ladies to play a role only He could have designed.  

I wish with my whole being that these girls would see themselves the way I see them- as captivating and remarkable.  I wish they knew how much my heart swells with pride when I see them invite a girl with special needs to play hide and seek or when they give up their seat in musical chairs to let their friend continue playing.  These girls have no idea how much they are capable of or how they are impacting the people around them, namely me. 

And that's when it hit me.  They way I look at these girls is only a glimmer of how God sees me.  He sees my mess ups.  He sees when I roll my eyes or make a snide comment under my breath.  He sees that deep down, I am just an insecure middle girl desperate to belong.  

And yet, He still loves me.  

And because He loved me, the next time an 8th grade girl lies to me or disappoints me, I will continue to love on them.  

Tonight, or I guess this morning, I realize how blessed I am.  God has trusted me with these girls' hearts, and in serving them, I have found so much joy and peace about where my life is heading.  

Again, tonight has been perfect.

Making the Deposits that Matter

This evening, my dear friend prayed that God would "work on detachment with me."

Detachment? Detachment from what? 

I asked her to explain, and with love, she responded that perhaps God was using my current circumstances to reveal my attachment to material things.  

Wait, what?!? My attachment to material things? I'm a teacher.  I'm not exactly living a life of splendor.  I drive a 2001 Honda Civic...or rather, I did up until about 11:30am today.  I'll let you connect the dots as to why today is not my favorite. 

In fact, describing my day as "not my favorite" is an understatement.  

Here's a more accurate description of my day:  Today, I was a tiny dinghy, being pushed and sloshed around like a limp rag doll in the middle of an unforgiving sea.  Today was a day that had me gasping for air, reaching for a life vest that seemed just an inch out of reach, pleading for the peace Paul describes in Phillipians 4:6, the "peace of God, which transcends all understanding."   

And now, my dear friend, a woman I admire and respect, who is constantly challenging me to be more Christ-like, is telling me that she is praying for me to be "detached".  Uh....ok?

Well, truthfully, it didn't take much time or reflection or hours spent staring at my ceiling pondering over this idea, for me to realize that she was absolutely correct.  And with that, I rolled out of bed, put my contacts back in, and began writing.  

Today's debilitating blow is actually not debilitating at all.  In fact, it's liberating and refreshing.  Yes, it's not ideal and will require humility and sacrifice, but it's actually a blessing in disguise.  Today showed me another area I need to give over to God-- my money.

Before today, I hadn't realized that despite my modest salary, I was still falling victim to something that entraps so many of us.  I had been searching for my security and my worth in my bank statements, rather than in my relationship with Jesus.  I had begun to see my life has a series of deposits and withdrawls, instead of as a safe, filled with riches that can't be measured. 

I have a God who loves me.  He doesn't see my financial shortcomings.  Instead, He sees His little girl that He wants to take care of, that He wants to protect. Priceless.

I have a mom who loves me.  She doesn't see my perceived failures.  Instead, she sees her little girl, impacting lives, being used by God to talk about His truth and grace.  She looks at me, with pride in her eyes, at the woman I currently am and the woman I desire to be.  Priceless.

I have deep, lasting friendships that will span decades.  These people don't see what I'm wearing or driving, nor do they care.  Instead, they see my heart, my loyalty, my desire to do good in this world.  They love me exactly the way I am.  Priceless.

***

Today, DID NOT go the way I had planned.

And I am so incredibly thankful for that.  

And... because I'm all about paying it forward, I pray that God will work on detachment with you too.  It's scary.  It's emotional.  But, I promise, it's worth it.

So...You Slipped Up With God? Yeah, Me Too...

This week, my prayer to God was simple. God, can you just show up? Please and thanks. 

Did you catch on that I was detached and annoyed?  Because I was. 

The perfectionist in me, the one who is terrified of being "found" out as a phony, is embarrassed, worried even, to admit that those words were uttered from my mouth only a few short days ago.  

But I post openly about my shortcomings as a follower of Jesus for a reason.  I am realizing  that my exasperated prayer and my vulnerability about sharing it can be used by God for good.    

Romans 8:28 says this, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

Before I explain the relevance of this verse, let me back up and be painfully transparent about where this prayer came from. 

***

I've been in a rut, probably dated back to when I left Controlled Chaos.  This past year was a whirlwind.  In the past 14 months, I have learned more about God's love for the broken than any 8 week church series could teach.  I took more leaps of faith than I can count, and for a girl who HATES failing and therefore doesn't readily try new things, that was HUGE.  

God and I had never been closer. I had finally figured out this whole "God-thing" I had heard so much about. 

But like an exhausted runner after a marathon, when my time with CC came to a close, I stopped running all together.  I left my community.  I left my girls.  And unintentionally, I left God as well.  

Soon, I became the frustrated, resentful, exhausted person that makes me cringe with disgust.  I had dropped my Jesus ball, and now life was hard.

How had I gone from such a high to such a low...again? Hadn't I learned that I couldn't do life alone?

Guilt and shame from losing touch with God began manifesting themselves on my already weakened heart. 

That is where my desperate prayer came from. It was my last ditch effort to get myself out of the nasty spin cycle I had been having with God. 

***

On Tuesday, I was at Bible study with one of my dearest friends.  I shared vocally, for the first time, that I was struggling with God.  She is one of my closest friends and has seen me through some pretty rough life stages.  She has always stuck around, so I had no reason to think this day would be any different. Yet, admitting to her that God and I were on the down-and-outs, seemed wrong.  

She lovingly received me and my confession and shared that she too, was desperately trying to rectify her relationship with God.

As the week progressed, I heard even more stories about others who felt that God had become distant.

I wasn't alone.  Other people were struggling with their walks with God.  

Why was this news to me? 

Because we're all so terrified of judgment, critique, of being found out as phonies, that we hide the inner-most struggles of our hearts.  Quite frankly, it's absurd!  The one we should be striving to impress already knows the inner-most workings of our hearts.  We can't hide from Him.  He created each of us and knows exactly when and why we'll slip up. And He loves us anyway.    

He doesn't love me because of anything I've done or haven't done, not because I'm amazing or great.  He loves me because He is amazing and great.  

So back to Romans 8:28.  How is God using my slip-up for His good?

Well, so far, I believe two good things have come from it.

First, I needed to reach my valley to realize God's unconditional love for me. Whether I grand slam this life thing or more likely strike out, His love remains. He never gives up on me.  

Second, I realized that God has put people into my life to walk me through the mountains and the valleys.  I can't keep pretending that everything is good, that I'm the girl who has it all figured out.  

Instead, it's imperative that I "own" my laundry list of faults with the people and relationships he has has blessed me with.  After all, it's great practice for confessing my heart to God, inviting Him in to fix  the things only He can.

So yeah... I am admitting I.am.not.perfect.

Instead, I'm perfectly imperfect. 

Where Has All the Joy Gone?

"Joy" has always been one of my favorite words; my affinity towards it being rooted back to my childhood.  One of my best friends in elementary school was named Joy.  Her infectious laughter, her willingness to attempt my careless stunts, her natural athleticism and ease on the soccer field, made her the measuring stick I compared myself to.  Her golden hair, nearly perfect smile, and the fact that all the boys thought she was "the pretty one," didn't hurt either.  Ever since I was eight, I've liked the name, and now more recently, I've loved the word itself.

So this morning, I spent some time in Philippians studying Paul's stance on finding joy in this life.  I was curious to what my Google had to say about joy and, spoiler alert- I was disappointed, albeit not shocked.  Merriam-Webster's definition of "joy" said this:

"Joy is the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires."

:Insert stomach churning noises here: 

I am bothered by this definition for a couple of reasons. I will strategically lay them out in list form for easy reading. You're welcome. 

1) "Joy is the emotion evoked" 

The first part of this definition casts joy as another temporary and fleeting emotion, like anger or frustration.  According to this definition, joy is short-lived.  Furthermore, the word "evoked" implies that I have absolute control on bringing joy into my life, that if I want it hard enough, I can will it into existence.  I am troubled that anyone can rein in joy because I don't want to love a word that seems so circumstantial, so definite in time and scope.  I think the word is too beautiful to be in the same category as the other "feeling nouns". 

2)  "by well-being, success, or good fortune"

This part was difficult to swallow.  It's also why I am so quick to reject this definition of joy.  The joy described here can only be found when life is good, when all the little ducks are lining up nicely.  So what happens when the job falls through? When your life partner suddenly decides you're too hard and walks out?  When your whole world falls apart?  Basically, according to Merriam and Webster, along with financial, relational, and/or emotional stability, you can kiss joy goodbye too.  

Tough to swallow, huh?  

Instead of accepting Merriam-Webster's definition, here's my position on joy, which in all truthfulness, isn't my position at all.  

In Philippians, Paul lovingly thanks the Philippians for their gifts and prayers... all from behind prison walls.  Throughout these four short chapters, his tone is encouraging, loving, and above all else- gracious.  He feels genuinely blessed by the relationships he has cultivated with these people, praising God for their presence in his life.  

There it is... "praising God for their presence."  If we are to celebrate God everyday, we should be celebrating the people he has purposefully placed in our lives.  I believe this mindful appreciation for the people, not the things in our lives, will lead us to this enduring joy we are desperately seeking.  After all, the new iPhone will be replaced, the Uggs will get scuffed, the granite kitchen tile will get chipped (true story).  Joy rooted in things is bound to disappoint or fade.  But finding joy in an 8th grader's smile, or in a coffee date with your very-pregnant friend, or in a perfect goodnight kiss from someone special, well, that joy is not circumstantial.  That joy is lasting and comes from appreciating the people God has blessed you with. 

So why do we, and of course, I'm clearly talking about me, allow the negativity of this world to rob us from finding joy? 

Because it is all around us.  All the time.  Negativity permeates every inch of our lives, making it nearly, and I say "nearly" with intention, impossible to ignore.  Negativity wants to infiltrate the thing that brings us true, unadulterated joy- praising God for His blessings. Joy comes from praising God for the people He has strategically placed in our lives.  It comes from praising Him for loving us enough to send His son to trade our mess for His perfection, for making us pure and beautiful in His eyes.    

Reveling in God's grace and goodness is the key to finding joy. 

If Paul can find joy from behind prison walls, I can surely find joy in my life. 

So, there it is: even after finding my disappointing internet definition of joy, I am still fervently in love with the word.

  

Goodbye Controlled Chaos

It's not a secret, or at least not a well kept one, that I need nudging.  I need to be encouraged to make decisions, and my God strategically placed strong-willed, Type A personalities in my life for that very purpose.  I don't believe in coincidences, so I'm not surprised that the people who have played the biggest roles in my life all have this innate ability to call me out on my crap.

They "see me."  They see the good, the bad, and the ugly.  They know my heart, my ambitious, good intentions.  They see that I'm sensitive, and that I love people almost to a fault.  They recognize that the reason I over-commit and spread myself too thin is because I care about the people in my life and want to make time for them all.  And these wonderful people, who I know are shaking their heads in loving disagreement, know that my previous statement is a little misleading.  The other reason I over-commit is because I have a paralyzing fear of failure, including failing at my relationships.  Instead of being intentional about the relationships I'm cultivating, I earnestly try to develop deep, meaningful relationships with everyone.  Yes, I recognize this is unrealistic, selfish even.  But I'm a perfectionist, and as such, I want to believe I can do anything and everything I put my mind to, including being the best friend, daughter, teacher, and youth group leader I can.  I'm not arrogant enough to think I am succeeding at it, but I certainly try.

The people God purposefully placed in my life "get me". And for reasons I'll never understand, they love me anyway.  

God has used these people to hold me accountable for my decisions and to uplift me when I inevitably make the wrong ones. They remind me that nothing I say or do will separate me from God.  They tell me that they love me even when I'm failing.

And with that, my mom recently told me I was "failing at loving people well."  Ouch. Again, for a self-proclaimed perfectionist who HATES disappointing people, this was brutal to hear. 

But it was true.  I was failing the relationships God had blessed me with.  I was so busy that I didn't have time or energy to pour into the relationships God had truly called me to invest in.  And 5Hour energies and frequent stops at Starbucks were ceasing to have the same impact that they once did. 

My strong-willed, opinionated mother nudged me to take a step back and be more intentional with my time. 

So... it is with a broken heart and an even stronger conviction that I am taking a step back from something that has brought me the greatest joy and passion I have ever known.  

This year with student ministries has shaped me more than any other life event.  Because of Controlled Chaos and the people I have had the privilege to meet there, I know the limitless love of my God.  I am learning to see people the way Jesus sees them, and I'm learning to trust God's plan over mine.  He used this past year to call me back to Him, and for that, I am so grateful.  How is it possible that my broken heart can also be swelling with such joy?   

I said earlier that I need nudging. God is nudging me, nudging me to trust that He has it all figured out.  I'm trusting that when He asked me to step down from youth group, a place that quickly became my home, my family, that He has something even better in store. 

To my beautiful 6th grade girls (although, I guess technically you're in 7th now)-  I love you.  I love your hearts, your energy, your screaming.  I love your smiles, your enthusiasm, your sense of adventure.  I just love you.

But as much as I love you, God loves you even more.  He has such a beautiful plan for each of your lives.  Seek Him. Trust Him. Love Him.  His plan for your life is far better than anything you could imagine for yourself.