So...You Slipped Up With God? Yeah, Me Too...

This week, my prayer to God was simple. God, can you just show up? Please and thanks. 

Did you catch on that I was detached and annoyed?  Because I was. 

The perfectionist in me, the one who is terrified of being "found" out as a phony, is embarrassed, worried even, to admit that those words were uttered from my mouth only a few short days ago.  

But I post openly about my shortcomings as a follower of Jesus for a reason.  I am realizing  that my exasperated prayer and my vulnerability about sharing it can be used by God for good.    

Romans 8:28 says this, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

Before I explain the relevance of this verse, let me back up and be painfully transparent about where this prayer came from. 

***

I've been in a rut, probably dated back to when I left Controlled Chaos.  This past year was a whirlwind.  In the past 14 months, I have learned more about God's love for the broken than any 8 week church series could teach.  I took more leaps of faith than I can count, and for a girl who HATES failing and therefore doesn't readily try new things, that was HUGE.  

God and I had never been closer. I had finally figured out this whole "God-thing" I had heard so much about. 

But like an exhausted runner after a marathon, when my time with CC came to a close, I stopped running all together.  I left my community.  I left my girls.  And unintentionally, I left God as well.  

Soon, I became the frustrated, resentful, exhausted person that makes me cringe with disgust.  I had dropped my Jesus ball, and now life was hard.

How had I gone from such a high to such a low...again? Hadn't I learned that I couldn't do life alone?

Guilt and shame from losing touch with God began manifesting themselves on my already weakened heart. 

That is where my desperate prayer came from. It was my last ditch effort to get myself out of the nasty spin cycle I had been having with God. 

***

On Tuesday, I was at Bible study with one of my dearest friends.  I shared vocally, for the first time, that I was struggling with God.  She is one of my closest friends and has seen me through some pretty rough life stages.  She has always stuck around, so I had no reason to think this day would be any different. Yet, admitting to her that God and I were on the down-and-outs, seemed wrong.  

She lovingly received me and my confession and shared that she too, was desperately trying to rectify her relationship with God.

As the week progressed, I heard even more stories about others who felt that God had become distant.

I wasn't alone.  Other people were struggling with their walks with God.  

Why was this news to me? 

Because we're all so terrified of judgment, critique, of being found out as phonies, that we hide the inner-most struggles of our hearts.  Quite frankly, it's absurd!  The one we should be striving to impress already knows the inner-most workings of our hearts.  We can't hide from Him.  He created each of us and knows exactly when and why we'll slip up. And He loves us anyway.    

He doesn't love me because of anything I've done or haven't done, not because I'm amazing or great.  He loves me because He is amazing and great.  

So back to Romans 8:28.  How is God using my slip-up for His good?

Well, so far, I believe two good things have come from it.

First, I needed to reach my valley to realize God's unconditional love for me. Whether I grand slam this life thing or more likely strike out, His love remains. He never gives up on me.  

Second, I realized that God has put people into my life to walk me through the mountains and the valleys.  I can't keep pretending that everything is good, that I'm the girl who has it all figured out.  

Instead, it's imperative that I "own" my laundry list of faults with the people and relationships he has has blessed me with.  After all, it's great practice for confessing my heart to God, inviting Him in to fix  the things only He can.

So yeah... I am admitting I.am.not.perfect.

Instead, I'm perfectly imperfect.