An Exhausted Heart

"There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will." -Epictetus

My heart is heavy.  All around me, I see women, including myself, grappling with feelings of insecurity.  We all desperately want to find value and love in a world that is constantly telling us we are not good enough.  Magazines, television, parents, friends even, demand that we look, dress, and act a certain way.  The ramifications are devastating.

Young girls are becoming ashamed of their bodies, believing that if they were thinner, blonder, bustier, then finally, they would be happy.  They don't see value in self-expression and originality.  Instead, the feel most normal, most secure, when they act and think the way society tells them they should.  These beautiful, young girls are going to drastic measures to fit in.  I'm not sure how much more my heart can endure if I see one more 6th or 7th grade girl beginning to wear baggy sweatshirts to cover the marks on her arms that she has inflicted. How does she not see what I see? Or more importantly, how does she not see what God sees? 

Women my age are not immune to feeling insecure and inadequate. In essence, we are still 12 year old girls yearning to look and act in a way that will allow us to feel truly captivating.  The difference between us now and our 12 year old selves is our scars are no longer visible.  Our scars now cover our hearts.  Failed relationships and destructive decisions regretfully convey how our insecurities have left us feeling dejected and worthless.  I'm not sure how much more my heart can endure if I have to have one more conversation with a friend about how a man shouldn't be allowed to tell us we're beautiful, or about how giving our hearts away recklessly only further hardens them towards love.  How do my friends not see what I see? Or more importantly, how do they not see what God sees?

The more I learn about women, the more I realize we're all the same.  We all want to feel accepted and special.  We all mistakenly look to earthly things to find our worth.  And we all experience the pain when that blows up in our face.

But tonight, I am also feeling hopeful.  I am on a journey to leave Insecurity behind. I know it won't be easy.  I know I'll stumble.  But I also know God's love is the only thing I can find security in, in my mess of a life. I also know there is great freedom in putting my worth in His hands.  It is far easier to please one person who loves me so completely and so truly, than a massive world that doesn't even care to know the real me.   So it is with new resolve that I feel my heart getting a little lighter.

So long, Insecurity.