Making the Deposits that Matter

This evening, my dear friend prayed that God would "work on detachment with me."

Detachment? Detachment from what? 

I asked her to explain, and with love, she responded that perhaps God was using my current circumstances to reveal my attachment to material things.  

Wait, what?!? My attachment to material things? I'm a teacher.  I'm not exactly living a life of splendor.  I drive a 2001 Honda Civic...or rather, I did up until about 11:30am today.  I'll let you connect the dots as to why today is not my favorite. 

In fact, describing my day as "not my favorite" is an understatement.  

Here's a more accurate description of my day:  Today, I was a tiny dinghy, being pushed and sloshed around like a limp rag doll in the middle of an unforgiving sea.  Today was a day that had me gasping for air, reaching for a life vest that seemed just an inch out of reach, pleading for the peace Paul describes in Phillipians 4:6, the "peace of God, which transcends all understanding."   

And now, my dear friend, a woman I admire and respect, who is constantly challenging me to be more Christ-like, is telling me that she is praying for me to be "detached".  Uh....ok?

Well, truthfully, it didn't take much time or reflection or hours spent staring at my ceiling pondering over this idea, for me to realize that she was absolutely correct.  And with that, I rolled out of bed, put my contacts back in, and began writing.  

Today's debilitating blow is actually not debilitating at all.  In fact, it's liberating and refreshing.  Yes, it's not ideal and will require humility and sacrifice, but it's actually a blessing in disguise.  Today showed me another area I need to give over to God-- my money.

Before today, I hadn't realized that despite my modest salary, I was still falling victim to something that entraps so many of us.  I had been searching for my security and my worth in my bank statements, rather than in my relationship with Jesus.  I had begun to see my life has a series of deposits and withdrawls, instead of as a safe, filled with riches that can't be measured. 

I have a God who loves me.  He doesn't see my financial shortcomings.  Instead, He sees His little girl that He wants to take care of, that He wants to protect. Priceless.

I have a mom who loves me.  She doesn't see my perceived failures.  Instead, she sees her little girl, impacting lives, being used by God to talk about His truth and grace.  She looks at me, with pride in her eyes, at the woman I currently am and the woman I desire to be.  Priceless.

I have deep, lasting friendships that will span decades.  These people don't see what I'm wearing or driving, nor do they care.  Instead, they see my heart, my loyalty, my desire to do good in this world.  They love me exactly the way I am.  Priceless.

***

Today, DID NOT go the way I had planned.

And I am so incredibly thankful for that.  

And... because I'm all about paying it forward, I pray that God will work on detachment with you too.  It's scary.  It's emotional.  But, I promise, it's worth it.

So...You Slipped Up With God? Yeah, Me Too...

This week, my prayer to God was simple. God, can you just show up? Please and thanks. 

Did you catch on that I was detached and annoyed?  Because I was. 

The perfectionist in me, the one who is terrified of being "found" out as a phony, is embarrassed, worried even, to admit that those words were uttered from my mouth only a few short days ago.  

But I post openly about my shortcomings as a follower of Jesus for a reason.  I am realizing  that my exasperated prayer and my vulnerability about sharing it can be used by God for good.    

Romans 8:28 says this, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

Before I explain the relevance of this verse, let me back up and be painfully transparent about where this prayer came from. 

***

I've been in a rut, probably dated back to when I left Controlled Chaos.  This past year was a whirlwind.  In the past 14 months, I have learned more about God's love for the broken than any 8 week church series could teach.  I took more leaps of faith than I can count, and for a girl who HATES failing and therefore doesn't readily try new things, that was HUGE.  

God and I had never been closer. I had finally figured out this whole "God-thing" I had heard so much about. 

But like an exhausted runner after a marathon, when my time with CC came to a close, I stopped running all together.  I left my community.  I left my girls.  And unintentionally, I left God as well.  

Soon, I became the frustrated, resentful, exhausted person that makes me cringe with disgust.  I had dropped my Jesus ball, and now life was hard.

How had I gone from such a high to such a low...again? Hadn't I learned that I couldn't do life alone?

Guilt and shame from losing touch with God began manifesting themselves on my already weakened heart. 

That is where my desperate prayer came from. It was my last ditch effort to get myself out of the nasty spin cycle I had been having with God. 

***

On Tuesday, I was at Bible study with one of my dearest friends.  I shared vocally, for the first time, that I was struggling with God.  She is one of my closest friends and has seen me through some pretty rough life stages.  She has always stuck around, so I had no reason to think this day would be any different. Yet, admitting to her that God and I were on the down-and-outs, seemed wrong.  

She lovingly received me and my confession and shared that she too, was desperately trying to rectify her relationship with God.

As the week progressed, I heard even more stories about others who felt that God had become distant.

I wasn't alone.  Other people were struggling with their walks with God.  

Why was this news to me? 

Because we're all so terrified of judgment, critique, of being found out as phonies, that we hide the inner-most struggles of our hearts.  Quite frankly, it's absurd!  The one we should be striving to impress already knows the inner-most workings of our hearts.  We can't hide from Him.  He created each of us and knows exactly when and why we'll slip up. And He loves us anyway.    

He doesn't love me because of anything I've done or haven't done, not because I'm amazing or great.  He loves me because He is amazing and great.  

So back to Romans 8:28.  How is God using my slip-up for His good?

Well, so far, I believe two good things have come from it.

First, I needed to reach my valley to realize God's unconditional love for me. Whether I grand slam this life thing or more likely strike out, His love remains. He never gives up on me.  

Second, I realized that God has put people into my life to walk me through the mountains and the valleys.  I can't keep pretending that everything is good, that I'm the girl who has it all figured out.  

Instead, it's imperative that I "own" my laundry list of faults with the people and relationships he has has blessed me with.  After all, it's great practice for confessing my heart to God, inviting Him in to fix  the things only He can.

So yeah... I am admitting I.am.not.perfect.

Instead, I'm perfectly imperfect. 

Where Has All the Joy Gone?

"Joy" has always been one of my favorite words; my affinity towards it being rooted back to my childhood.  One of my best friends in elementary school was named Joy.  Her infectious laughter, her willingness to attempt my careless stunts, her natural athleticism and ease on the soccer field, made her the measuring stick I compared myself to.  Her golden hair, nearly perfect smile, and the fact that all the boys thought she was "the pretty one," didn't hurt either.  Ever since I was eight, I've liked the name, and now more recently, I've loved the word itself.

So this morning, I spent some time in Philippians studying Paul's stance on finding joy in this life.  I was curious to what my Google had to say about joy and, spoiler alert- I was disappointed, albeit not shocked.  Merriam-Webster's definition of "joy" said this:

"Joy is the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires."

:Insert stomach churning noises here: 

I am bothered by this definition for a couple of reasons. I will strategically lay them out in list form for easy reading. You're welcome. 

1) "Joy is the emotion evoked" 

The first part of this definition casts joy as another temporary and fleeting emotion, like anger or frustration.  According to this definition, joy is short-lived.  Furthermore, the word "evoked" implies that I have absolute control on bringing joy into my life, that if I want it hard enough, I can will it into existence.  I am troubled that anyone can rein in joy because I don't want to love a word that seems so circumstantial, so definite in time and scope.  I think the word is too beautiful to be in the same category as the other "feeling nouns". 

2)  "by well-being, success, or good fortune"

This part was difficult to swallow.  It's also why I am so quick to reject this definition of joy.  The joy described here can only be found when life is good, when all the little ducks are lining up nicely.  So what happens when the job falls through? When your life partner suddenly decides you're too hard and walks out?  When your whole world falls apart?  Basically, according to Merriam and Webster, along with financial, relational, and/or emotional stability, you can kiss joy goodbye too.  

Tough to swallow, huh?  

Instead of accepting Merriam-Webster's definition, here's my position on joy, which in all truthfulness, isn't my position at all.  

In Philippians, Paul lovingly thanks the Philippians for their gifts and prayers... all from behind prison walls.  Throughout these four short chapters, his tone is encouraging, loving, and above all else- gracious.  He feels genuinely blessed by the relationships he has cultivated with these people, praising God for their presence in his life.  

There it is... "praising God for their presence."  If we are to celebrate God everyday, we should be celebrating the people he has purposefully placed in our lives.  I believe this mindful appreciation for the people, not the things in our lives, will lead us to this enduring joy we are desperately seeking.  After all, the new iPhone will be replaced, the Uggs will get scuffed, the granite kitchen tile will get chipped (true story).  Joy rooted in things is bound to disappoint or fade.  But finding joy in an 8th grader's smile, or in a coffee date with your very-pregnant friend, or in a perfect goodnight kiss from someone special, well, that joy is not circumstantial.  That joy is lasting and comes from appreciating the people God has blessed you with. 

So why do we, and of course, I'm clearly talking about me, allow the negativity of this world to rob us from finding joy? 

Because it is all around us.  All the time.  Negativity permeates every inch of our lives, making it nearly, and I say "nearly" with intention, impossible to ignore.  Negativity wants to infiltrate the thing that brings us true, unadulterated joy- praising God for His blessings. Joy comes from praising God for the people He has strategically placed in our lives.  It comes from praising Him for loving us enough to send His son to trade our mess for His perfection, for making us pure and beautiful in His eyes.    

Reveling in God's grace and goodness is the key to finding joy. 

If Paul can find joy from behind prison walls, I can surely find joy in my life. 

So, there it is: even after finding my disappointing internet definition of joy, I am still fervently in love with the word.

  

Goodbye Controlled Chaos

It's not a secret, or at least not a well kept one, that I need nudging.  I need to be encouraged to make decisions, and my God strategically placed strong-willed, Type A personalities in my life for that very purpose.  I don't believe in coincidences, so I'm not surprised that the people who have played the biggest roles in my life all have this innate ability to call me out on my crap.

They "see me."  They see the good, the bad, and the ugly.  They know my heart, my ambitious, good intentions.  They see that I'm sensitive, and that I love people almost to a fault.  They recognize that the reason I over-commit and spread myself too thin is because I care about the people in my life and want to make time for them all.  And these wonderful people, who I know are shaking their heads in loving disagreement, know that my previous statement is a little misleading.  The other reason I over-commit is because I have a paralyzing fear of failure, including failing at my relationships.  Instead of being intentional about the relationships I'm cultivating, I earnestly try to develop deep, meaningful relationships with everyone.  Yes, I recognize this is unrealistic, selfish even.  But I'm a perfectionist, and as such, I want to believe I can do anything and everything I put my mind to, including being the best friend, daughter, teacher, and youth group leader I can.  I'm not arrogant enough to think I am succeeding at it, but I certainly try.

The people God purposefully placed in my life "get me". And for reasons I'll never understand, they love me anyway.  

God has used these people to hold me accountable for my decisions and to uplift me when I inevitably make the wrong ones. They remind me that nothing I say or do will separate me from God.  They tell me that they love me even when I'm failing.

And with that, my mom recently told me I was "failing at loving people well."  Ouch. Again, for a self-proclaimed perfectionist who HATES disappointing people, this was brutal to hear. 

But it was true.  I was failing the relationships God had blessed me with.  I was so busy that I didn't have time or energy to pour into the relationships God had truly called me to invest in.  And 5Hour energies and frequent stops at Starbucks were ceasing to have the same impact that they once did. 

My strong-willed, opinionated mother nudged me to take a step back and be more intentional with my time. 

So... it is with a broken heart and an even stronger conviction that I am taking a step back from something that has brought me the greatest joy and passion I have ever known.  

This year with student ministries has shaped me more than any other life event.  Because of Controlled Chaos and the people I have had the privilege to meet there, I know the limitless love of my God.  I am learning to see people the way Jesus sees them, and I'm learning to trust God's plan over mine.  He used this past year to call me back to Him, and for that, I am so grateful.  How is it possible that my broken heart can also be swelling with such joy?   

I said earlier that I need nudging. God is nudging me, nudging me to trust that He has it all figured out.  I'm trusting that when He asked me to step down from youth group, a place that quickly became my home, my family, that He has something even better in store. 

To my beautiful 6th grade girls (although, I guess technically you're in 7th now)-  I love you.  I love your hearts, your energy, your screaming.  I love your smiles, your enthusiasm, your sense of adventure.  I just love you.

But as much as I love you, God loves you even more.  He has such a beautiful plan for each of your lives.  Seek Him. Trust Him. Love Him.  His plan for your life is far better than anything you could imagine for yourself. 

Letter to My 8th Graders...

Here's my feeble attempt to say thank you to the young men and women who unknowingly changed my heart forever- my 8th graders. 

I treasure you.  

I treasure your hearts, your convictions, your sense of self.  I treasure your beauty, your vulnerability, your sense of adventure.  I treasure how you readily opened your hearts to me, inviting me to see the joy, the pain, and the wonder you have from our world.  What I see before me is truly captivating.  

I treasure you.

To my ladies:

Before me, I see a group of young ladies that have affirmed my belief that young women today are growing up strong, confident, and smart.  I look at you, ladies, and see a zest for life that permeates every inch of your being, and I can't help but wish I had known you when I was in 8th grade.  Maybe if I had, your vibrancy would have rubbed off on me, and I wouldn't have felt so insecure with who I was.  Ladies, you have captured my heart.  Don't let anyone tell you that you're not good enough.  You are.  You are valued and loved.  You are beautiful and smart.  I sit here with eager anticipation, waiting to see the women you will become, and yet, I am also content with knowing you just as you are this very moment. 

There are ladies in this room who break my heart, not for anything you have done, but for what the world has done to you.  The world has lied to you.  It has told you that you aren't pretty enough, skinny enough, or valuable enough.  And you believed it.  You swallowed the harsh and bitter lies as truth, and the ramifications are devastating.  I see you making choices that you aren't ready to make.  I see the paths you are taking, the mistakes you are making, and it breaks my heart.  How do you not see what I see? How do you not look in the mirror and see the beauty and wisdom I see?  When I look at the young women you have become, I see tender hearts behind sullen eyes.  I know those eyes. I used to see them in my reflection too.  To you, dear ladies, I reiterate- you are beautiful.  You are captivating.  You are worth it. 

To my gentlemen:

Then, there are my ridiculously hilarious and often inappropriate gentlemen that have unreservedly welcomed me to do life with them the past four years.  I have seen you, gentlemen, transition from young boys, bustling with exuberance and untamed energy, into reflective young men who own your shortcomings and promise to do right the next time.  Some days, you are mature for your years; others, you are still the young boys I knew not long ago.  The only difference is now you look down at me, instead of the other way around.  You, boys, have an unparalleled sense of humor.  I laugh endlessly, all while wishing I could match your humor and wit.  I can't. You are funnier than me.  

You are unashamed of nerding out, you shuffle with the best of them, you let me teach you about crop dusting (potential teacher fail...).  You understand when I am being hard on you, and why I need to pull you into the hallway for "a talk".  You don't like it, I know, but you listen, usually head hung low, and you apologize.  You, gentlemen, have reaffirmed my hope in young men.  I believe wholeheartedly that you will become responsible, wise men that will make this place better.  Actually, I take that back. You already are responsible, wise men making this place better.  Please don't stop.  I anxiously await the day when I get to see you become the honorable husbands, fathers, and leaders our country so desperately needs.

8th Graders: the past four years have been such a privilege for me, an unearned gift, that has forever changed my reality and perception of teaching.  Yes, I teach synonyms and proper spelling and how to find writing topics. Yes, I have taught you to analyze a character's motives, recognize figurative language in texts, and applauded you when you actually finished a book in my class (*cough, Jesus*).  But you have taught me so much more about my profession than any college class or professional development could.  You have taught me to see the students in my class as people first, students second.  You have stories, lives, and pasts that matter.  You have inside jokes with your friends, bad hair days that ruin everything, fights with your best friends that leave you feeling lonely.  You are people, and me trying to teach you a comma rule or the meaning of a hard poem is futile if I don't "see" you first.  Because of you, I am a better teacher and a better person. Words cannot express my gratitude for this.

Never in my life will I get a class like yours, a group of students that I get to travel with for five years straight.  I don't know what it's like to teach and not see your faces looking back at me.  The thought alone make my heart swell with bitter anticipation of next April, when you leave.  I don't know what it's like to start class every August and have to learn 30 new names.  I have always had the pleasure of seeing my favorite faces every August, my kids who are so eager to share their summer stories with me, that not having that is foreign and uncomfortable.

Ladies and Gentlemen, you have set the bar high.  I feel sorry for the next group of kids who must fill your shoes, the shoes that have made a lasting imprint on my heart. 

I Am Who I Am...On His Purpose

Sometimes working in a low-income, urban school district makes me feel like I'm emptying the ocean with an eye dropper.  And just when I feel like I am making gains, filling my cup slowly one drop at a time, someone comes and knocks it over.

I am left staring at my spilled cup and the vast ocean of hurting kids in front of me wondering, What's the point?


Today, God graciously and probably humorously answered me.

The point is, He loves these kids.  And I was purposely created to love them too.  Despite all of their flaws, their energy, their incessant back-talking, the eye rolling, the held-back tears, and eventually their crumbling walls, I am called to love them because He loves them.

I believe I was created BY His purpose, FOR His purpose, meaning my behavioral quirks, personality, physical appearance, background, and life experiences make me uniquely talented and fitted for the work He demands of me.

Here's what I mean.  Get ready! You're going to learn more about me than you'd probably care to know. Sorry.... except I'm really not.

• For YEARS, I was the awkwardly cliche middle school girl. I was uncomfortable in my own skin, jealous of the "pretty" girls, too shy to put myself out there.  The introvert in me kept my heart closed, hiding my anxiety and unhappiness from the world.  I, like every other girl on the planet, suffered from body image issues.  I was the poster child for "Middle School is the Worst Three Years of Your Life."  Unfortunately for me, my awkward followed me years after I left 8th grade.
• I was raised by a strong-willed, confident, single mother.  I don't know my dad, apart from a name on a birth certificate and a handful of sporadic memories that make me grimace.  I was the typical "day-care kid," who felt more comfortable around childcare providers than my own extended family.  I resented my friends who had dads and even to this day, I feel a pang of hurt when I see a Father-Daughter Dance at a wedding.
• I am sarcastic. Almost to a fault.  I love making people laugh, and sometimes I'm even good at it (not according to this blog, however. This blog is 100% stoic. All.The.Time).
• I am young-ish.  I am old enough to see the repercussions of the mistakes I made in my early 20's, and I am young enough to understand when the next generation makes the same ones.  I look younger than I am. I vividly remember meeting my students' parents the first couple of years teaching. I felt their eyes scanning me up and down, wondering "Is she even old enough to be a teacher?"

Now...why would a self-proclaimed introvert who guards her heart fiercely be so vulnerable today (aside from this is her blog and she can)?  It's because I realized this: I am the way I am on purpose.  Don't get me wrong. I am flawed. Seriously flawed.  Some days I even try working at it.  But I realized that God is using me EXACTLY the way I am to serve His purpose.


I speak fluent middle school. I know how to get my troublesome 7th and 8th graders to care.  Believe me, I'm not gloating.  I have no idea what the magic formula is for getting through to these kids, but something is working.  My kids know they can come to me. They know I've invested my everything into their success. After 4 years of pouring into their lives, I've finally started to see a transformation in them.  Their walls are beginning to fall. 


I attribute this all to God.  He has fully and graciously equipped a very flawed person like myself to handle the daily battles of working with hormonal middle school kids. 

So here's where I leave off.  Luke 12:48 says, "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."

I have been given my life for a purpose.  I have been given my personality, every strength and vice, every inappropriate sarcastic comment or thought, for a reason.

And because of this, I let out a huge sigh of relief.

Eyes Wide... Closed

I recently read this quote by Norman Douglas, "To find a friend, one must close one eye.  To keep him...two."

It took me a few reads to truly appreciate the beauty of this idea.  Douglas is suggesting that finding community takes a certain act of faith, as well as an extension of grace.  We must have faith that the person we "see" before us is who they say they are, and we must extend them grace when perhaps that's not the case.  We don't enter relationships blindly, but once we're knee-deep in them, we are called to love and accept our friends where they are.

Recently, I was over-whelmed with life. Yes, yes, I know, this is a common theme when I blog. I'm working on it.  I write when I'm stressed. I write when I'm emotional.  I am neither of these today.  Be shocked.

Instead, I just felt like sharing a story as my act of gratitude towards a dear friend.

A couple of weeks ago, I was failing at life.  One of the first things that seems to go when I lose control of life is the orderliness of my house. It was bad.  I needed help.

My best friend and I had made plans to spend time in community with one another, but I texted her the morning of asking for a rain check.  I wanted to clean my house.  I assumed she'd happily comply.  But hours passed, and I heard nothing from her.  She called me after school and said she would not extend me my rain check, but instead would come help me clean.  Ouch.  She was a better person than me.  My best friend, who I've canceled on countless times, was coming to help me clean my house...while pregnant.  Yeah, it wasn't my proudest moment.

She was so gracious and perky, asking "What now?" and "Let's tackle this area next."  I was humbled and guilt-stricken for her act of service.  As she cleaned my upstairs bathroom, I sat on my kitchen floor and cried.  She doesn't know this, well, not until now, at least.

I had let my life get so crazy, so busy, that I had hurt the people around me.  My circle was wide, but it certainly was not deep.  I cried because I realized that I had failed at keeping up much more than just my house.

1 John 4:20 says, "If someone says, 'I love God,' but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don't love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see?"

She was loving me when I certainly hadn't earned it.

I hope she knows how much I love her heart. She loves me unconditionally, but still holds me accountable for my lousy decisions.  She extends me grace when I need it and challenges me to do the same.  I said at her wedding that she was a woman that I looked to for advice and for approval, someone who so clearly embodied a strong woman of Christ.  Everything I said about her character and her heart is still true today.

She has a been a friend who has kept both eyes closed with me. And for that, I am grateful.

With your loved ones, are your eyes open or closed?